Exactly one month ago today (October 22, 2013), I received that horrible call that no one ever wants to get. I’d just left knitting class earlier that evening and was feeling good. My older sister Dell called me while I in the middle of knitting and watching The Real Housewives, waiting for Scandal to come on. It was 9:49pm when my phone rang, I looked at it and saw it was Dell. My first thought was to ignore it and call her back after the show. But something made me answer it. It was odd, but the moment I answered I could tell that picking up was going to hurt me like hell. I could hear it in her breathing. I just knew. My energy completely shifted. My breathing changed. But I needed her to say it because maybe my feeling was wrong, maybe I was wrong. Before I could say anything more than hello, my sister said, “He’s gone. Dad is gone” and then suddenly the call disconnected. I sat there, staring at the TV, but not watching anything on it. I couldn’t pull my thoughts together. Once I was able to form a thought, the tears poured out of my eyes, the pain hit me worse than the symptoms of a severe flu.
The moment I thought of Sunny (my son) and all the pain I knew he would feel, the thought of his pain hit me like a building of bricks. How was I going to tell him? Not to mention he went thru a loss last year with his paternal grandmother. And even though he and his grandmother weren’t close, he was still a kid who had to deal with a loss. This was a million times worse because Sunny and my dad had a crazy, fun, loving and protected relationship. It was strong and they were close.
I feel bad because I don’t always know the right things to say to him or how to comfort him. But we are in this together. Thru the questions. The nightmares. Thru the songs that take us back to a memory. The sadness. The pain. Even the laughs and smiles because we definitely have tons of those thinking about the crazy things my dad did or said or wore. We are in this together.
When I would hear other folks story about their loss of a parent, I would feel so bad for them. But secretly in the back of my mind I would be so thankful and grateful that it wasn’t me going thru that and that my parents were both here. Now I am apart of that. Now that is my story.
Last month I lost my dad. It hurts like hell. I miss him so much. Just now at this very moment a well of tears have started to run down my face. Its so hard to believe that its already been a month. I haven’t seen his face, heard his voice, a crazy joke, a laugh…nothing. But oddly I feel so much closer to him now. I talk to him everyday. I know he’s listening, he always did :).